Technology or Love?
"Rebecca," people will say to me, "you have crazy stories! How do you get yourself into these situations/meet these people/do such crazy things?" I don't think I have a good answer, but the answer I do have is: I take chances. Sometimes they fail, spectacularly so. Sometimes they are a joyride in the slip and slide of my life. Sometimes...it takes a while for me decide which column to choose.
When I read this article in the NYT about technology and love and ego and the difference between liking and loving and being a whole person, it clicked: the times when I seesaw and waver and hem and haw and wonder if what I am doing is of value or going to be painful or joyful or awful or gratifying, these are the times I am probably living up to my fullest potential as a human being. Not a great human being. Not a successful human being. Just...a human being. And that's enough.
My dad, when he came to pick me up from the airport two days after his terminal cancer diagnosis, he told me, "Our relationship doesn't change. I'm still your dad, no matter what. But what I want most for you to learn is not to be afraid of being an emotionally giving person. Holding back does nothing for the world." Cancer is a magnifying glass that directs wisdom to the heart. My dad was pretty wise.
So my failures? The people I've fallen for and cared for and loved, not liked, that didn't return my feelings? Who decided I really wasn't worth their time? Ouch*. But also, hey, thanks for reminding me I'm alive. Pain means I cared a lot. Better the times of pain than a life of nothing. And for those who love me back? Our mutual joy makes life shine and sparkle.
*p.s. also you lose because I am awesome sauce.
When I read this article in the NYT about technology and love and ego and the difference between liking and loving and being a whole person, it clicked: the times when I seesaw and waver and hem and haw and wonder if what I am doing is of value or going to be painful or joyful or awful or gratifying, these are the times I am probably living up to my fullest potential as a human being. Not a great human being. Not a successful human being. Just...a human being. And that's enough.
My dad, when he came to pick me up from the airport two days after his terminal cancer diagnosis, he told me, "Our relationship doesn't change. I'm still your dad, no matter what. But what I want most for you to learn is not to be afraid of being an emotionally giving person. Holding back does nothing for the world." Cancer is a magnifying glass that directs wisdom to the heart. My dad was pretty wise.
So my failures? The people I've fallen for and cared for and loved, not liked, that didn't return my feelings? Who decided I really wasn't worth their time? Ouch*. But also, hey, thanks for reminding me I'm alive. Pain means I cared a lot. Better the times of pain than a life of nothing. And for those who love me back? Our mutual joy makes life shine and sparkle.
*p.s. also you lose because I am awesome sauce.
Comments
I LOVE your fathers advice...so wise of him to share this with you.
xo
I've loved and lost, and not been loved in return, and it hurts like hell, but I'd rather have the pain than not feel stuff. A life of nothing is such a waste.
Glad to know you share the sentiments of the article! And of my dad.