Rebecca A. Foster

Picture it: Arizona, 1997-ish. I've gone to visit my friend T. in Mesa, but we are Just Friends, capital J, capital F. The kind of Just Friends who, because we attend universities in different states, travel to visit each other a couple of times a year. Around 11 PM we go for a late night swim (yay Arizona winter weather!), then head downtown in his brand new car. I'm poking through the CDs in the center console when I find one clearly labeled 'Make-Out Mix.' Now, let's ignore for a moment the fact someone actually labels their CD 'Make-Out Mix' instead of something more innocuous like 'Slow Jams.' (Those two things are always the same, right?) I hold up the CD so I can see by passing streetlight if my eyes are really seeing what they're seeing. Being the kind of girl I am, the following exchange goes down: Me: "Make-Out Mix? Realllly?" T: "Oh... yeah. Um, I've had that CD forever, it's old, I forgot it was in there....

I had a refreshing talk with my friend E. over the weekend. And let me digress and say, My stories from China often involve the guys because I saw them frequently and they were always up for shenanigans. But the guys will fade away from my life, it's inevitable. The girl friends I made there were fewer in number and I didnt see them as often, but they are rocks in my river of life. They are smart, beautiful, funny, kind and giving. The boys are fun to kiss! And hang out with! And make me laugh hard! But the girls-- R., N., E., C., and J: they are the people I want to become. ANYWAY, E. and I were talking about taking the unconventional path in life; Peace Corps often attracts people who take the unconventional path, each in our own way. When you take an unconventional path, you have to make your own markers of success, contentment, happiness, etc. How do you do this? Where do the markers come from? It can be stressful at times, having to choose and gauge and live by your own mark...

Note: I moved into a new apartment this weekend, I'm way behind in my correspondence. I love my new apartment though; the walk-in closet is bigger than the kitchen, and includes a lighted vanity mirror and sink area for getting ready in the closet . Perfect apartment for me. ______ Story #2: This guy, I knew him before I went to China. I thought he was charming, funny, smart, interesting, handsome, and I put him on a bit of a pedestal. We were not equals when it came to life experience. I liked that about him! At that time, I was grieving for my dad and not feeling very strong. It felt good to have someone who was more knowledgeable and strong to look up to. I spent my final weekend with him before I went to China. Peace Corps discourages you from having friends or family join you for that final weekend before you depart, but I thought it would be okay because he was so great. But that weekend was much more stressful than I thought it would be; I was moving to completely un...

I'm going to be brutally honest about some men I know. (Not on the same day.) But both of these men gave me experiences that taught me something, so I'm sharing it. If they read it and recognize themselves, well, I guess now they know. Story 1:  Chemistry, it is a mystery. I had a close male friend in Chongqing. We saw each other a lot, laughed a lot, ate together a lot, watched online tv together a lot, took taxis and buses and subways together a lot, blah blah blah. One night we were at McDonalds at 2:00 a.m., which is sometimes what you do in China when you miss America and our delicious, fake food. I was sleepy, so while we waited for our food, I put my arm around him and leaned my head on his shoulder for a little rest. He was a great rest-support post.  He responded by running his hand lightly up and down my back, something he'd never done before, and instantly I felt the effects of that hand everywhere, all over my body, all at once. Well, that was unexpected. He ...

(If you are related to me, maybe you don't want to read this.) I think some people come from kissy families, some do not. I come from a kissy family; I'm sure this was largely due to my mom's Chilean-ness. (Some of my clearest memories of visiting Chile are of being kissed by every old woman I saw.) I love that in Chilean culture, you kiss strangers upon being introduced. So friendly! (Maybe also other Spanish cultures, not sure.) In San Antonio, it is quite common for friends to greet each other with a kiss. I got used to this. In China, I had kissing friends and non-kissing friends. When the kissing friends met up in public, I wonder if we shocked the Chinese around us, who don't hug or touch upon greeting, let alone kiss. I noticed my kissing friends in China were mostly Italian or of Italian heritage, or from the East Coast. Are you a kisser? My non-kissing friends are REALLY non-kissing. Funny how that happens. When I was younger, I thought kissing was either...

Today is my first day at my new job. This is a really good thing for me, I'm very happy about it. Something I treasure in my friendships: good conversation. Most of my friends, the thing I remember most about them are the conversations we have. They make me laugh, think, ponder, consider, and enjoy life. In China, I learned to appreciate good conversation because I could get around and do my daily duties, but I couldn't have in-depth conversations in Chinese; I really looked forward to and enjoyed the times I spent with other English speakers, just talking. One of my favorite nights in China was the night my girlfriends C. and E. and I hung out in a cozy Chinese bar, all soft couches and cushions and low light, talking about all the issues we face as women in China, in the world, in our own lives. I felt so supported and inspired by these ladies. R. and J. and I have had countless great talks on similar topics, and our experiences in education/jobs/relationships/living. The...

Last week Tristan made an astute observation: "In China, we're like D-list celebrities." It's true: people don't know our names, but they recognize us and want to know what we're doing, buying and eating. And they want to be our friend. (I think Tristan said this because some kids came to our table during dinner to stare/talk to us while we were eating; he's a tall, muscular, tough-looking guy who shaves his head. I love watching people spot him on the sidewalk, then get out of the way.) People treat us like we're living in our own little reality show, and they want to be a part of it. This isn't a bad thing, but after over a year here, I am still not comfortable with being treated differently. However, it does make for some interesting and/or unusual interactions. For example, this past week, I got a random call from a girl I didn't remember but evidently sat next to on the bus going to school. People here are always asking for our phone num...

How many times should a man's behavior cause tears before you remove yourself from the situation? 1? 2? 5? 25? I'm curious about what you think. I think I let the number go way too high. I want to believe the best about people, so I really believed his apologies were sincere. But nothing changed. How long do you let jerky behavior go on before you know things aren't going to change? I'm embarrassed to say how long it took me. But, it will never happen that way again.

I think men and women who care for each other, whether friends, romantic relationships, or whatever, should do things for each other to show their care and concern. But, I'll admit it is sometimes hard for me to know what these things should be, for several reasons.  First, men are different and what one guy likes, another guy may not care about at all. Duh. But, most of us don't broadcast this information right up front. So until you spend enough time together to know what they like, it's basically a blind stumble.  Second, yeah, yeah, I KNOW what men like. It's pretty easy to play to the lowest common denominator. But, surely there has to be more than that? Right? If you only try the lowest common denominator stuff, you might never get to the second tier, personalized stuff. I think the second tier stuff is great. I don't want a relationship without it.  Third, well, some men are just not great at giving feedback on what they like and don't like. I'm tryin...

I live in a cool city. Just in the past week or so have I really felt comfortable enough to explore. I am still always the first one to come home, but finally having a bit of fun here. Tonight I danced my heiny off in a club that switches to Western music when foreigners are there. I never expected to be dancing to reggaeton in China, but it was a blast! (Here I am with one of the other volunteers, you can see my neighborhood in the background. Click to enlarge.)

Not sure how true this is, because I have male platonic friends who have never, ever made a move on me, but "In case of emergency, break open glass" Cracked. Me. Up. (Short clip, 1:45, but Chris Rock so some salty language.) Although... I did have dinner last year with a very long-term platonic male friend who told me he wasn't looking for a girlfriend/wife, he had enough female companionship, he was looking for someone to have meaningless sex with. I couldn't figure out if he meant me, if that's why he'd asked me to dinner. So I just told him the lasagna wasn't THAT good. I haven't heard from him since. Hmmm.

Tossing out a flirt challenge and seeing it metaphorically fall with a thump at a man's feet? Sort of a non-recoverable letdown. But a man who cracks it back to you, even making you reach a bit? You don't forget a guy like that. Flirting isn't about "closing the deal" per se. One of my favorite flirt partners is gay. And hetero women flirt with each other, albeit in perhaps a different way than with men. Flirting is about noticing the other person has attractive qualities (note: not just physical) and making them feel it. Making them feel you notice. Making them feel you like it and appreciate it about them. I think a good flirtatious exchange leaves people feeling better about themselves. In fact, flirting should continue long after "closing the deal." I'd never be with a man I couldn't flirt with at all points in the continuum. At it's basic level, it's a stylized form of social interaction. At it's most fun level, it's mind...

Logically, star gazing shouldn't be something I really enjoy. Not terribly climate controlled. It happens at weird hours. And because the first stars I saw were in D.C., 'normal' stars are 'painted or lit up on the wall.' (Planetariums? Awesome. Still the best date idea ever. Much more likely to get some, just because you had the good sense to choose the planetarium.) But there is something about being outside in nature, not quite warm enough, the quiet and solitude, the beautiful night sky seemingly engulfing you, that creates quite an ideal environment for keeping close to the person next to you. Love it. Love it even though (because?) it makes me fall unwittingly, unquestionably, for some of the more BS pickup moves. And like them. Just ask Jeff, whom I met in college summer school. (I was an over-achiever and wanted to graduate early.) We met in English and pretty soon were hanging out, going out dancing, but just as friends. Our finals in August coincided with...

This post is about something Hibidy loves but might not remember so I am posting it for her. Hibidy and I have few musical overlaps: country, Spanish pop music, and classical are about it. (Our first friend date was at the San Antonio symphony and then the Taco Cabana on Broadway afterward. But I think I went out to a club after that with Kim. I'm sort of a friend date player. Taco Cabana on Broadway is also where I went with J. after seeing his band play and I was wearing leather pants and the cute but lower-cut-than-I-realized white shirt and I wouldn't hug him because he was all sweaty from performing.) So one day Hibidy and I are driving someplace together and not talking, not because we were irritated with each other but because we spent a lot of time together relatively speaking so sometimes we don't talk in the car. And a country song comes on about a guy chewing out another guy for cheating but also hey, thanks for being a jerk because now I'm dating your girlfr...