Stress, Insecurity and Awkwardness: This Too Shall Pass?
It is harder to adjust to coming home than I imagined. A few things:
1. Reacclimating to American culture is stressful, because I don't always know how to act. And the cultural diversity I love so much (and missed so much) is unexpectedly stressful to deal with. R. and I have had some conversations about this and luckily I'm not just weird, it's hard for her too. It's comforting to know it's common, but still: it sucks. I'll write about some specific things when I have a chance.
2. I still dream every night I'm in China. My brain hasn't caught up with the fact I'm not going back to China. When this finally sinks in, I expect to have a little meltdown about it.
3. I'm on the road right now visiting friends out of state. I really needed this. Pardon my silence.
4. Some American friends I made in China have been very easy and natural to keep in touch with. Others have not. And without saying too much publicly, these categories are not populated exactly as I expected. I find it awkward and unsure to communicate right now with someone who was a really, really close friend in China. I didn't expect this, and it hurts.
5. I find it difficult right now to write about my experiences. Memories flood my brain constantly, but putting them down in writing eludes me right now. I need to give myself time and space to process what is happening, I suppose. So I'm trying to let myself do that.
6. One really good thing: I had a family reunion last week and it was wonderful to reunite with beloved cousins. It was also really nice to be with people who knew my dad. I love hearing my cousins (who are nearer to my dad's age than mine) talk about him. They knew him in a way I never will. And when I talk about him, they know exactly what I mean. It was comforting.
1. Reacclimating to American culture is stressful, because I don't always know how to act. And the cultural diversity I love so much (and missed so much) is unexpectedly stressful to deal with. R. and I have had some conversations about this and luckily I'm not just weird, it's hard for her too. It's comforting to know it's common, but still: it sucks. I'll write about some specific things when I have a chance.
2. I still dream every night I'm in China. My brain hasn't caught up with the fact I'm not going back to China. When this finally sinks in, I expect to have a little meltdown about it.
3. I'm on the road right now visiting friends out of state. I really needed this. Pardon my silence.
4. Some American friends I made in China have been very easy and natural to keep in touch with. Others have not. And without saying too much publicly, these categories are not populated exactly as I expected. I find it awkward and unsure to communicate right now with someone who was a really, really close friend in China. I didn't expect this, and it hurts.
5. I find it difficult right now to write about my experiences. Memories flood my brain constantly, but putting them down in writing eludes me right now. I need to give myself time and space to process what is happening, I suppose. So I'm trying to let myself do that.
6. One really good thing: I had a family reunion last week and it was wonderful to reunite with beloved cousins. It was also really nice to be with people who knew my dad. I love hearing my cousins (who are nearer to my dad's age than mine) talk about him. They knew him in a way I never will. And when I talk about him, they know exactly what I mean. It was comforting.
Comments
It sounds like such a big change for you, first to go from here to China, live there a while and then return. I can't imagine the culture shock...twice! Hang in there, Chica! You will find your way.
PS - You can always visit me in Miami and experience culture shock for a third time! :)
(( hugs )) bella, and one day at a time. can't rush life yet it jogs on by anyways so remember to breathe and everything will come in its own time, in its own place.
Time for Ben & Jerry's ice cream? ;-)
Sorry you are having a hard time getting back to 'normal'...I do hope this passes sooner than later.
Thanks for updating us...enjoy your family and friends.
Suz
It's so hard when friends disapoint us. Hugs!
And as far as the "distant" friend, she/he may be struggling with their own issues at the moment... you never know what is going on in someone else's heart. Just give him/her space. (And, even if not, I've learned that sometimes friends - even really good ones - can let us down - and it hurts. But it's part of life.)
Just remember that life is full of NUTS... some nuts have a little "meat" inside... some have a LOT of meat inside, and some... NONE at all. It's sometimes hard to tell until you crack it open. (Corny analogy... but it works for me.) :)