The Gifts Of Time, Peace and Confidence
The short story is, I joined the Peace Corps because my dad died. I needed something to do. I thought helping others was a good way to find myself again. And, quite honestly, because I had no idea what else to do. I applied two months after my dad died, and later found out the Peace Corps will officially not consider you if you've experienced a close death within the past year. I guess they really needed to fill this position, though, because here I am.
Because of grief, my self-esteem was very low. In some cases, I turned to the wrong things for comfort. I've had to deal with some tough dependencies. I made mistakes. Not legal or moral mistakes, but mistakes toward myself. One thing I did was offend my own self-worth by letting someone treat me badly. I realize now that whatever made it okay in his mind for him to treat me this way has nothing to do with me. If my self-esteem had been normal, things would have been different, but I was doing the best I could at the time. And in a way, I have him to thank for the wake-up call for how poorly I was treating myself. I might not have worked to recover my self-esteem if it weren't for him. I think time is also healing these grief wounds. I'm grateful for time.
Was it a mistake to join the Peace Corps when I did? Time will answer that question. But caring for these kids has helped me see I still have a lot to give. I love being a teacher. I have a renewed sense of confidence in myself because I've survived these difficult circumstances. Yes, my dad died. It still hurts terribly at times. I still cry sometimes. I'll miss him all my life. But life is not over. This Peace Corps experience has given me some peace and confidence back. I thank China.
Because of grief, my self-esteem was very low. In some cases, I turned to the wrong things for comfort. I've had to deal with some tough dependencies. I made mistakes. Not legal or moral mistakes, but mistakes toward myself. One thing I did was offend my own self-worth by letting someone treat me badly. I realize now that whatever made it okay in his mind for him to treat me this way has nothing to do with me. If my self-esteem had been normal, things would have been different, but I was doing the best I could at the time. And in a way, I have him to thank for the wake-up call for how poorly I was treating myself. I might not have worked to recover my self-esteem if it weren't for him. I think time is also healing these grief wounds. I'm grateful for time.
Was it a mistake to join the Peace Corps when I did? Time will answer that question. But caring for these kids has helped me see I still have a lot to give. I love being a teacher. I have a renewed sense of confidence in myself because I've survived these difficult circumstances. Yes, my dad died. It still hurts terribly at times. I still cry sometimes. I'll miss him all my life. But life is not over. This Peace Corps experience has given me some peace and confidence back. I thank China.
Comments
I lost my Dad when I was 25. It was very sudden and I still have not gotten over the deep pain and the hole in my heart, but I can say it has gotten easier.
You father, I am sure is proud of the life you are living.
We all make mistakes. Take lessions from your mistakes and carry on. I think, from your writing, that you're on the right path. I think joining the Peace Corp was the right thing for you to do. I think it's helping with your healing process.
Although I never knew your father, I can still remember when I got your email about him passing away. My heart still goes out to you every time I think about it.
I'm so very sorry your father is gone. I have no idea how I'll handle my father's passing when the time comes... is there a Canadian version of Peace Corps???
It is therapeutic to share what happened to me, but mostly because maybe it will help someone else. We don't do a good job of preparing for grief in our culture, in my opinion. It's "oh you go through the five stages of grief, then you're through." It's a lot more than that.
It's really helped me to know others' experiences as they've gone through the deep grieving process. I hope maybe my experience can help someone else not feel so lost.
I think you already answered that question with the realization that followed. It sounds like you are where you need to be.
p.s. What's goin' on with your blog....I see no header?!?!