Brutal Honesty; AKA, The Ghosts of the Past

I'm going to be brutally honest about some men I know. (Not on the same day.) But both of these men gave me experiences that taught me something, so I'm sharing it. If they read it and recognize themselves, well, I guess now they know.

Story 1: 

Chemistry, it is a mystery. I had a close male friend in Chongqing. We saw each other a lot, laughed a lot, ate together a lot, watched online tv together a lot, took taxis and buses and subways together a lot, blah blah blah. One night we were at McDonalds at 2:00 a.m., which is sometimes what you do in China when you miss America and our delicious, fake food. I was sleepy, so while we waited for our food, I put my arm around him and leaned my head on his shoulder for a little rest. He was a great rest-support post.  He responded by running his hand lightly up and down my back, something he'd never done before, and instantly I felt the effects of that hand everywhere, all over my body, all at once. Well, that was unexpected. He knew my back had been sore recently, so he turned me around and began massaging me, starting in the small of my back and moving his way up my spine. I couldn't move, couldn't speak. This was my very platonic friend. And yet, I was having a very non-platonic reaction. After a few minutes, he piped up: "Does this feel good at all?" Um, yeah. Yeah it does. 

I forgot we were in a McDonalds in China at 2:00 a.m., where people don't touch each other in public, and definitely don't massage at a fast food counter. Our food was in hand, but we didn't leave just yet. I didn't want to leave, ever. It was this magic spot where all of this made sense. But finally, yes, we left. When I got back to my apartment, I had his food by mistake. I hadn't noticed. 

This guy and I? No similarities, other than our citizenship and language. (This is one of the great things about Peace Corps, learning to rely on people you have nothing in common with except for your citizenship and language.) We were different in every way you can think of. And he made me melt in a McDonalds at 2:00 a.m. For all of our differences, I adored him before this, and after.  

I never told him. I threatened to, several times, but I was too shy. And I thought he'd be embarrassed to know how close he came to making me purr in public. But now? Now we don't talk anymore. I admitted the day we separated that I'd wanted to kiss him for a long time. I didn't tell him it began at 2:00 a.m. in a McDonald's in ShapingBa. But I don't think he felt the same way, this man who melted me while we waited for hamburgers. I told him later, after we left China, how much he meant to me and I got only silence in return. I was crushed. How does this happen? 

So I've learned that chemistry is everything, and nothing. If this story were a movie, I'd like to think it'd have a happy ending.