Brutal Honesty: Part II, Timing and Shoulds

Note: I moved into a new apartment this weekend, I'm way behind in my correspondence. I love my new apartment though; the walk-in closet is bigger than the kitchen, and includes a lighted vanity mirror and sink area for getting ready in the closet. Perfect apartment for me.

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Story #2:

This guy, I knew him before I went to China. I thought he was charming, funny, smart, interesting, handsome, and I put him on a bit of a pedestal. We were not equals when it came to life experience. I liked that about him! At that time, I was grieving for my dad and not feeling very strong. It felt good to have someone who was more knowledgeable and strong to look up to.

I spent my final weekend with him before I went to China. Peace Corps discourages you from having friends or family join you for that final weekend before you depart, but I thought it would be okay because he was so great. But that weekend was much more stressful than I thought it would be; I was moving to completely unfamiliar China for two years with a bunch of people I didn't know. Looking back, it's okay I was stressed by that, but it meant I couldn't focus on him like I thought I'd be able to.

Something really difficult happened between us that weekend; I spent my last night in tears, and most of the following day, and too many days of next year. I was now afraid of him. I could never have contact with him again without anxiety. I 'shoulded' myself all over the place: I should have been prepared, I should have not been so distracted, I should have been more experienced, I should have been stronger, I shouldn't feel afraid. I wanted to Eternal-Sunshine-of-the-Spotless-Mind him right out of my life and try again. Maybe this time, I'd get it right. But after feeling bad and blaming myself for a long time, I finally was able to say, "I was myself. That's all I could be. I did the best I could under difficult circumstances."

I also believe 'should' is the saddest word in the English language; 'should' means guilt, judgment, fear, and lack of trust. I wasn't accepting myself if I kept saying 'should.' So I've made a conscious effort to eliminate the word 'should' from my vocabulary.

I have learned that sometimes the best of friends or lovers can come into your life when you are not prepared for them, and vice-versa. It's okay to leave. It's okay to let them go. I can honestly say that now I wish him nothing but the best. I believe he has a good heart. I remember with fondness the happy memories. I hope he's found what he was looking for and is happy.

I'm currently experiencing this principle with some close friends still back in China; our life experiences are really different and now that we don't have proximity and China to bind us, our friendship isn't the same. But it's okay. I look back on them with nothing but fondness and gratitude that they were a part of my life. And it's because of this tough experience I had that I can do this. So yes, it is possible to learn happiness from sad things! I'm glad.