50 Shades of Grey Review: Chapter 1 (And Only, I Think)
You guys, this book is bad. Really bad. MST3K bad. (Oh, if only there were a movie of someone reading this book out loud and Joel, Crow and Tom Servo mocking it! That would be 100x more entertaining than this book!) But back to the book...
Here are my issues with it so far, in order of offensiveness:
1. "I have made an effort and worn my one and only skirt, my sensible brown knee-length boots, and a blue sweater. For me, this is smart." And then later in the chapter she sees some art on the wall and says, "They're lovely. Raising the ordinary to extraordinary." No. Someone who knows she is dowdy and does nothing to change that does not say things like 'Raising the ordinary to extraordinary' to describe visual art. All the characterization so far is like this: it just doesn't make good sense.
2. On page 10, the words 'steel' and 'Steele' appear six times. Why on earth would you give your lead character the last name 'Steele' and put her in a steel building owned by a manufacturing titan? Who manufactures things made of steel. It's like writing a book about a geologist and making her last name 'Stone.' Lame.
3. In this chapter, she's going to interview some CEO dude she knows nothing about as a favor to her roommate. This sentence happens: "I sit down, fish the questions from my backpack, and go through them, inwardly cursing Kate for not providing me with a brief biography." Ignoring the immediate problem of too many commas in that sentence: hey adult woman you expect me to find sympathetic and believable, why didn't you ASK for some biography? You knew you were going on a big, important assignment for a friend, an assignment so important it couldn't be cancelled, and you didn't ask ANY questions about it? And the questions you were given are just shoved in your backpack, requiring you to 'fish' for them? Well okay. You are a ninny and an idiot. I steer clear of people like you. And I no longer give a rat's ass what happens to you. Thanks, author.
4. This is the worst one to me, because it clearly shows how lame the editor of this book is. The author I can forgive a bit, because supposedly a book goes through an editor who is PAID to catch things like this, but this sentence still exists in this book: "The elevator whisks me at terminal velocity to the 20th floor." Um, every time I have read about terminal velocity it's about things FALLING, not rising. Go ahead editor, Google it. It's like she actually IS a 9th grade English student and had a thesaurus to pad out her writing without bothering to look up how the words are actually used*. And the 20th floor? Wow, it's like the air is thinner up there, right? No, it isn't. 20 floors is nothing. Now the elevator in the WTC that went to the top floor, THAT elevator moved impressively fast. You could feel it in your ears and blood pressure. I'm guessing this terminal velocity elevator ride was supposed to be exciting, and maybe she is Laura Ingalls Wilder in disguise.
4.1 She asks him a question and when he answers, she "is staggered by his lack of humility." Bitch, you just rode up 20 floors at terminal velocity in a steel building to his steel office to interview a guy so important the interview could not be rescheduled! What were you expecting?
Yeah, this book is terrible. I thought I could read it all, but life it is too short to waste time on utter crap. So I think Chapter 1 is where I bow out, unless I am overcome with such a severe case of insomnia even sleeping pills won't work. I gave it my best shot, though!
*Technically it could be used to describe things rising, especially if gravity were reversed, and this book was first officially published in Australia so maybe that's the issue. But really, I've never seen it used to describe things rising, so I still give it a big fat downvote for contextual usage.
Here are my issues with it so far, in order of offensiveness:
1. "I have made an effort and worn my one and only skirt, my sensible brown knee-length boots, and a blue sweater. For me, this is smart." And then later in the chapter she sees some art on the wall and says, "They're lovely. Raising the ordinary to extraordinary." No. Someone who knows she is dowdy and does nothing to change that does not say things like 'Raising the ordinary to extraordinary' to describe visual art. All the characterization so far is like this: it just doesn't make good sense.
2. On page 10, the words 'steel' and 'Steele' appear six times. Why on earth would you give your lead character the last name 'Steele' and put her in a steel building owned by a manufacturing titan? Who manufactures things made of steel. It's like writing a book about a geologist and making her last name 'Stone.' Lame.
3. In this chapter, she's going to interview some CEO dude she knows nothing about as a favor to her roommate. This sentence happens: "I sit down, fish the questions from my backpack, and go through them, inwardly cursing Kate for not providing me with a brief biography." Ignoring the immediate problem of too many commas in that sentence: hey adult woman you expect me to find sympathetic and believable, why didn't you ASK for some biography? You knew you were going on a big, important assignment for a friend, an assignment so important it couldn't be cancelled, and you didn't ask ANY questions about it? And the questions you were given are just shoved in your backpack, requiring you to 'fish' for them? Well okay. You are a ninny and an idiot. I steer clear of people like you. And I no longer give a rat's ass what happens to you. Thanks, author.
4. This is the worst one to me, because it clearly shows how lame the editor of this book is. The author I can forgive a bit, because supposedly a book goes through an editor who is PAID to catch things like this, but this sentence still exists in this book: "The elevator whisks me at terminal velocity to the 20th floor." Um, every time I have read about terminal velocity it's about things FALLING, not rising. Go ahead editor, Google it. It's like she actually IS a 9th grade English student and had a thesaurus to pad out her writing without bothering to look up how the words are actually used*. And the 20th floor? Wow, it's like the air is thinner up there, right? No, it isn't. 20 floors is nothing. Now the elevator in the WTC that went to the top floor, THAT elevator moved impressively fast. You could feel it in your ears and blood pressure. I'm guessing this terminal velocity elevator ride was supposed to be exciting, and maybe she is Laura Ingalls Wilder in disguise.
4.1 She asks him a question and when he answers, she "is staggered by his lack of humility." Bitch, you just rode up 20 floors at terminal velocity in a steel building to his steel office to interview a guy so important the interview could not be rescheduled! What were you expecting?
Yeah, this book is terrible. I thought I could read it all, but life it is too short to waste time on utter crap. So I think Chapter 1 is where I bow out, unless I am overcome with such a severe case of insomnia even sleeping pills won't work. I gave it my best shot, though!
*Technically it could be used to describe things rising, especially if gravity were reversed, and this book was first officially published in Australia so maybe that's the issue. But really, I've never seen it used to describe things rising, so I still give it a big fat downvote for contextual usage.
Comments