The Shadow of Lost Time
When I first came to China, I was living in the aftermath of the hurtful actions of a man I knew. I thought his actions were my fault. And I spent so much time trying to figure out what I did wrong to make him do these things. And trying to fix it.
And my only regret about China is this: in all the turmoil of adjusting to China, I lost all that time I spent trying to figure out why a man would act this way. I know now, there was nothing for me to figure out. There was nothing for me to fix. And there was nothing I did that made him treat me how he did. Sometimes, a jerk is just a jerk. I wish I could have learned this lesson without the firsthand experience I unfortunately had; but, because that is not possible, I resolve to at least never forget it. Or let it happen again.
How I wish I could have experienced the hardship and turmoil of adjusting to life in China without his actions forming a terrible shadow hanging over me. I sometimes still fantasize about how much easier my transition would have been if these things hadn’t happened. I mean, jerks happen, but that was especially cruel timing! But the good news is, although I can remember feeling utterly terrible, I don’t actually feel terrible any longer. I’ve blocked how terrible the reality of that time actually was. Our brains are merciful.
Don't be like me! Don't let shadows cloud a great experience!
And my only regret about China is this: in all the turmoil of adjusting to China, I lost all that time I spent trying to figure out why a man would act this way. I know now, there was nothing for me to figure out. There was nothing for me to fix. And there was nothing I did that made him treat me how he did. Sometimes, a jerk is just a jerk. I wish I could have learned this lesson without the firsthand experience I unfortunately had; but, because that is not possible, I resolve to at least never forget it. Or let it happen again.
How I wish I could have experienced the hardship and turmoil of adjusting to life in China without his actions forming a terrible shadow hanging over me. I sometimes still fantasize about how much easier my transition would have been if these things hadn’t happened. I mean, jerks happen, but that was especially cruel timing! But the good news is, although I can remember feeling utterly terrible, I don’t actually feel terrible any longer. I’ve blocked how terrible the reality of that time actually was. Our brains are merciful.
Don't be like me! Don't let shadows cloud a great experience!
Comments
Jerks happen to good people...I have a feeling you will see the next one coming before it is too late.
Just think, you were in China at the time and not back home where he was...so that was a bit of a mixed blessing, right?
Boy how many of us have been there... analyzing, and re-analyzing our actions.... what did we say... what did we NOT say... it's insane, isn't it?
A jerk is just a jerk.
AND... it's universal law - one reaps what one sows. The jerk will get a "crop" back of the "jerk seeds" he planted.
Anyway, enough of that.
I'm glad your eyes have been opened.
Moving FORWARD!!! :)