Heartache and FDNY Lessons

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I don't think we're meant to live without heartache. What kind of literature, art, poetry and music would we have if we never felt bad?

I missed Cool Girl 101 class, where you learn to get involved with people you don't get attached to, not care what their response is when you say how you really feel, forget in an instant everything about someone you cared about, and always say and do the 'cool' and 'right' thing. What was I doing instead? Probably a Lit class. I'm not a cool girl at all.

(Side-story)

Saving the hardest moving task for last: getting rid of a large percentage of my library. Turns out I'm not only really attached to my books, I'm attached to the identity they formed for me. I'm not giving away paper, I'm giving away my sense of self. I've felt pangs of anxiety just sorting the books for donation, nevermind a single sheet of paper hasn't left my house. But the anxiety means I MUST do it. It's not healthy to be this attached to anything. Haven't I learned my lesson?? Give away the books, maybe I'll pass Cool Girl 101 after all.

One passage I want to share: I have a lot of firefighting books and they're all being donated except for two given to me I can't part with for that reason. I flipped through them as I was sorting and one by Dennis Smith, called Firefighters: Their Lives In Their Own Words, contains this passage from a man in FDNY Rescue 1 Company:

One of the great things about a rescue company is that they are handpicked men, and they get unusual incidents to go to. I have been to building collapses, train crashes, plane crashes. Light planes. I haven't gone to a jetliner yet, thank God. I hope I never see one of those.

This was written before 9/11. The entries are anonymous so I have no way of knowing if his man responded on 9/11, but this passage still pierced my heart. I thought of that saying, "Most of the things we worry about never happen; it's the things you never considered that blindside you." But in this case, he was aware of the danger. He hoped it would never happen, but he was prepared and showed up every day anyway. And the worst did happen. So many paid the ultimate price and died trying to save others, RIP. So many others are haunted by their own memories.

My situation in life will never be that serious. I'll never be the person who saves someone else's life. I don't want to make light of their lives by comparing their lessons to my own life. But I can respect and support those who are prepared. And I can NOT give up in my little insignificant corner of the world because something didn't go how I wanted it to. I'm not a cool girl. So I'll be the girl who knows she'll feel heartache and mess up but takes chances, says how she really feels and shows up anyway. I'm glad I still had that book. Maybe I'm a little more prepared now to let it go.

Comments

Busy Bee Suz said…
You are THE COOL girl...never forget that!
Sunday, September 02, 2012
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