Brutal Honesty Part III
A guy I barely knew in my city asked me to dinner, in 2009. We went, no chemistry (even as friends) from my point of view, so I was shocked when he asked me if I wanted to have dinner and watch a movie with him that weekend. Sometimes first dates just aren't great, so I said yes.
But then, on the bus ride home, I realized he meant eat dinner and watch a movie at his apartment. I didn't feel comfortable doing this because I barely knew him and there was a certain BCI to this request (Booty Call Implication-- thanks Community!), so when I got home, I asked him if he'd mind if we did something else instead, like go to a local historical site. I didn't explain why, I just asked.
He said no.
Cancelled the date altogether by saying "Nevermind. I'm not into [historical site]." And no offer of doing anything else instead.
Hmmm. Okay, so he's not here for my sparkling and charming personality!
I learned from my Brutal Honesty II experience that it is totally reasonable for me to say what I feel comfortable with and expect it to be respected and not feel guilty or hesitant about asserting my comfort boundaries. It was okay BHIII was asking me out for BCI. And it was also okay that I didn't want to go that route and said something to change what was happening. I was really glad for the chance to show myself I had learned that lesson.
I bet in the past, I'd have felt bad about what happened with BHIII guy, because I'd think, "Oh, I should have given him a chance to see what was up." No. There was no reason for me to do that. He told people after this all happened that he didn't like me as a person and wouldn't come to parties and events if I were going to be there. I didn't have any bad feelings for him; if he didn't want to get to know me, so what? I respect that. (And I'm sure some other girls wouldn't mind the BCI, but I was not that girl.) But acting that way because I didn't want to be his booty call? *shrug* That was his prerogative. I was just glad to know that his response didn't affect my decision to stand up for myself in this situation. I actually learned something from a difficult experience. Yay, life lessons!
But then, on the bus ride home, I realized he meant eat dinner and watch a movie at his apartment. I didn't feel comfortable doing this because I barely knew him and there was a certain BCI to this request (Booty Call Implication-- thanks Community!), so when I got home, I asked him if he'd mind if we did something else instead, like go to a local historical site. I didn't explain why, I just asked.
He said no.
Cancelled the date altogether by saying "Nevermind. I'm not into [historical site]." And no offer of doing anything else instead.
Hmmm. Okay, so he's not here for my sparkling and charming personality!
I learned from my Brutal Honesty II experience that it is totally reasonable for me to say what I feel comfortable with and expect it to be respected and not feel guilty or hesitant about asserting my comfort boundaries. It was okay BHIII was asking me out for BCI. And it was also okay that I didn't want to go that route and said something to change what was happening. I was really glad for the chance to show myself I had learned that lesson.
I bet in the past, I'd have felt bad about what happened with BHIII guy, because I'd think, "Oh, I should have given him a chance to see what was up." No. There was no reason for me to do that. He told people after this all happened that he didn't like me as a person and wouldn't come to parties and events if I were going to be there. I didn't have any bad feelings for him; if he didn't want to get to know me, so what? I respect that. (And I'm sure some other girls wouldn't mind the BCI, but I was not that girl.) But acting that way because I didn't want to be his booty call? *shrug* That was his prerogative. I was just glad to know that his response didn't affect my decision to stand up for myself in this situation. I actually learned something from a difficult experience. Yay, life lessons!
Comments
Good on you for knowing the difference.
And you stood up for yourself, so yay you! I think that's the best part of the post!
I am glad to know that you realized what a jerk he was and did not go for the BCI. I also can't believe that anyone would not want to hang out with you for your sparkling and charming personality!
I pass no judgment on those who do it, but yeah, for me, this guy, no.
Thanks Sandra! I'm happy about that too!
It's the one nice thing about growing older eh? Experience. And self-worth. Yeah.