Rebecca A. Foster

I am retiring from writing here. Technology, opportunities and habits move on. Change is a good thing. I'll send out my info as needed to those with whom I keep in touch. I'm looking forward to awesome, inspiring and just plain joyful events in 2013 and beyond and wish the same for you. Vaya con Dios, amigos! Hasta luego, zai jian, goodbye.

English is missing a word that means 'desire + regret + anxiety + memory + loss + wistfulness'. The nearest I can get is 'Melancholy.' It's not sufficient. But if I could distill all the words in this song, I think I'd be a little closer to the word I'm lacking:  (I thought this was a new song because I'd never heard it before, but it came out when I was in China. A black hole of knowledge filling a black hole of words. If I were smarter, I'd have something clever to say about that.) Mamihlapinatapai . The greatest word I just learned exists. But not the one I'm missing. 

AKA the greatest Christmas party white elephant gift of all time. 

My mom's culture believes in ghosts and the supernatural so I've grown up hearing 'ghost' stories accepted as fact. I am somewhat skeptical of ghost stories, but I do get a kick out of them. An episode of Destination Truth (I know, I love this show) was filmed at Duckett's Grove castle in Ireland to investigate  spooky goings on -- somehow ghost stories in old castles just seem that much more believable and entertaining, you know? I don't think I'll have time to go to Duckett's Grove when I'm in  the UK but it is definitely going on my list for a future trip. I'd like to go to the southwest coast of Ireland, too, as I hear it is one of the most beautiful parts of Ireland. And then there's my fridge; it's been making weird noises that of course don't happen when maintenance goes in to fix it, but I was able to record it on my phone. My coworker informs me it sounds like my fridge is haunted. Oh, that I could be so lucky! Alas, I thi...

I read online about using extra virgin olive oil as a make-up remover. I was skeptical this would not cause breakouts, but I've been using it for about a week and not only has it not caused breakouts, it's cleared up small patches of facial eczema. The winter redness and blotchy skin tone have also cleared up. I highly recommend trying this as a facial eczema remedy. (Steroid creams are not recommended for the face because they cause discoloration and wrinkling from collagen breakdown.) I lightly soak a cotton make-up remover pad in the olive oil and wipe off my make up. I then follow up with a dry cotton make-up remover pad to wipe off any excess oil. I don't use any other cleansers or toners until the morning, when I use a non-alcohol witch hazel toner and day cream. It took only two days to clear up the facial eczema patches I've been trying to treat with other products for the past several months. I've also made coconut oil salt scrub to help with ecze...

1. I hate the first straw, the first time you notice they are capable of doing something to you that you would never do to them, but they seem okay with it. The first straw is giving them the benefit of the doubt, being low maintenance and non-judgmental. 2. But then the straws start piling up and you have to make a choice: how many straws will you let accumulate? 3. I love the last straw. I'm grateful for the last straw. The last straw is clarity, resolve and peace. It is choosing to redirect your energy toward positive things instead of using it to rationalize the size and growth of the straw pile. 4. The last straw means there will be no more straws. Relief.

Because I must have this dress, I'm going to look incredible while I put together this year's puzzle and have a Netflix marathon. Wooo! I'll post pics.  Or maybe I'll actually take the dress' advice and go out this year!

My co-worker J. and I were bickering about whether or not my office candle warmer gets hot enough to A. start a fire and B. cook food. There was only one way to settle this...assume the fire question  is a yes for safety reasons, and try to cook an egg. He numbered a raw egg into 4 quadrants and my job was to turn the egg 90 degrees every hour for 4 hours: Now, 4 hours later, we're ready to take the egg into the break room to see if it cooked. It was hot, so he carried it in a soup bowl lid:  And... here, you can see the results for yourself:

This article in today's NYT reminded me of my first visit to NYC in the 90's after getting a cell phone. After landing, I was trying to call my cousin from the gate (remember when people picking you up could come to the gate??) and couldn't make a call. I called my service provider and was told that so many stolen cell phones end up in NYC, the carrier automatically suspended service for roaming in NYC; I would've had to call before my trip to ask for it to remain unlocked. Of course, I had no idea of their policy so I didn't make advance arrangements. They did unlock my service, though, and I was able to use my phone in NYC with no problem. I'd forgotten about that. Weird throwback cell phone practice history. This was the phone I was using:

Yesterday while texting with a buddy from China I made a tiny obscure joke I wasn't sure he'd remember and pick up on, but he got the joke and I was *tickled pink* he still remembered, appreciated and understood with no explanation needed. Our shorthand is so very short. I adore this guy in a way different from guys I've met in America and I think it has everything to do with the crap and inconvenience and hardships we battled and two years later I wonder: how long will it be until I don't feel this attachment? I feel similar special attachments to other friends I knew there and sometimes it's like I'm trapped in this tension that will never be assuaged because we'll never live that life again. And if I always feel it, is that okay? To just live with that? I get attached to people, but as a human being I don't think that's anything to apologize for. Aren't we supposed to? (However, when someone dogs me or is constantly "too busy"...

...because I can't sleep now thanks to his show, so it's only fair, right? My new celebrity crush, Josh Gates, who hosts the very entertaining cable show Destination Truth  (available for streaming on Netflix) and who also introduced me to the macabre Doll Island of Mexico and ghosts of Chernobyl's dead city, amongst other creepy things, and is now the reason I'm awake in bed at midnight wishing I had a thermal imaging camera to confirm or deny the shadows in my apartment are ghosts. I mean, come on Josh, you started it...finish it! (His show is creepy, but he is charming and hilarious, two of my favorite things in the opposite sex. AND he travels the world investigating legends? I have no defenses. My passport loves his passport.)

I like small alpine trees for Christmas trees because I can do themes; this year, I've done Chinese and personal significance themed trees (and a generic Christmas theme tree). I only have 3 trees this year, but I'll add 2 larger trees next year.  The little dragon is in memory of my grandpa, who called me Puff (as in the Magic Dragon). Up until he died, he sent me birthday and holiday cards addressed to "Puff Foster."  The Raggedy Ann doll is in honor of my grandma; we made a Raggedy Ann quilt together and she surprised me with dolls and books.  The little alpalca is Chilean. The Texas ornaments were gifts from my family. I'll add ornaments of significance as I come across them; I hope to have enough to fill a full tree someday. (I'll definitely pick some up in the UK and Germany in honor of my college major and my dad's military service.) 

I sent my cute, exuberant, talkative coworker this picture. We had to have a (non-serious) conversation about early morning talking, in which I asked (very jokingly) if she has cocaine for breakfast because OMG THE TALKING IT IS NON STOP AND WAY TOO EARLY TO SAY SO MANY WORDS IN A ROW.  Now she always checks if it's BC (before coffee) or AC (after coffee) before launching in. She is hilarious, I love working with her, but yeah, the picture still stands. I'm a morning person only in that I wake up early; interaction is another story.

Busy week last week! I had a (fun!) out-of-town guest, then went on a road trip to visit family. My grandma has Alzheimer's and this was the first time she didn't really know who I was; she knew I was important to her, but couldn't place how or why. Seeing her so sad and lonely and confused is heartbreaking. I used to volunteer at an Alzheimer's home so I've thought I was prepared for all these stages, but it's different when it's someone you have loved your whole life, and vice versa. That person is still living, but is no longer here. She is an amazing woman who labored hard all her life for others and taught me some of the very best things I know. She was my close friend and knew a lot of my secrets. So we sit on the couch together and hug and she cries. Dementia is heartbreaking. Two things happened on the way home: I evidently took a road trip through time as well as space, because I pulled up to this at a middle-of-nowhere pump: I did not get...

Taken from my 3rd floor balcony.

This product cracks me up! It's not a bad product and evidently there is a market for it, but for $24.99 my forearm will fit in there just fine! (Sometimes I wake up that way so I know it works.) The only problem I ever have with boobs while asleep is that I prefer sleeping on my stomach and it can be uncomfortable. Again, I end up with my forearm offering support. In fact this product would be much funnier if it were shaped like an arm with a hand hanging off the end, no?

Nature is unpredictable, unrelenting and just plain unmerciful. Really, Nature, a snowstorm on top of a hurricane?? I'm scared of the earthquake that will decimate the Salt Lake valley when it hits, but at least that's a one-time, over hundreds of years, occurrence; the likelihood of it happening while I am here is very small. But these hurricanes and tornadoes will likely happen again next year, and possibly to those who went through it this year. Ugh. I feel for those living in that area. I wish there were more we could directly do from far away. I'm trying to learn from Sandy and get my 5-day supply of water, food, heat and money (small bills!) in order. I don't have any fuel in storage and need to teach myself how to store it safely before I do so, but that is on my list. Luckily in China I learned how to handle contaminated water, food and lack of heat. These are miserable things, though. (Most of our heating solutions there were unsafe. But they were all ...

Salt Lake City is a test market for the Isis Wallet cellphone payment app being rolled out by T-Mobile and Verizon. I've been using it about 2 weeks now on my Galaxy Note 2.  I got $25 dollars free on my account for setting it up. Here is my review: Pros: You have to use a PIN to open the app so there is no chance of you randomly paying for something by walking by a register. You can only log in from one SIM card. If your phone gets stolen, you can deactivate your account from the web.  If the transaction is under $25, you don't have to sign for it. A confirmation comes up on the pay terminal and your phone so you know what was deducted.  You don't have to input your debit card PIN number into the store's pay terminal. (I've had to get a new debit card twice because of PIN number fraud at a store.) You can add money to it from the app itself from bank accounts, debit or credit card (I transferred funds from a debit card). You can set up direct deposit from pa...

(I'd love to personalize this with an actual dude's I know photo and send it to him, but for now this model is okay too.) (Ha ha ha.)  (Gotta have a grandma-appropriate version, too. On second thought, she'd really like that gingerbread man one!) I made these on the Martha Stewart CraftStudio app on my iPad. I'm just playing around with it and I'll be printing these out to test the quality. But! So far it's fun. I did these Sunday afternoon in about 30 minutes. I'm not very creative when it comes to making cards, so if I can make one, anyone can. If I like the final product, I'll design a few more personalized for friends and family. (The app was free when I downloaded it but now I think it's $4.99. The special Christmas theme collection was $1.99. Making your own saucy Christmas cards? Priceless.)

This Queens fire is devastating; the photos of the scene are heartbreaking. I wonder if any of those homeowners thought their home would be destroyed not by water or trees, but by fire? The scene and story resemble those disaster movies that were so popular in the 70's and 80's. (It's a commentary that theater is what I can most closely relate to in a disaster. I've been lucky.) Those firefighters working through the hurricane to save lives and property were prepared, and it would have been much, much worse if not for their skills and experience and willingness to be there. I think we take them for granted too often. I'm grateful to live in a society where we have such services, and where people are willing to step up to help each other out. It also reminds me to be prepared for any possible outcome. I've already got a "go bag" and supplies for an emergency, but now I'm thinking of my cell phone, which only lasts about 36 hours in a best case sc...

Last night in bed I couldn't stop myself from reading news stories about Hurricane Sandy in NYC: the terrible fire in Queens, the flooding in lower Manhattan, and other terrible events. I flipped over to Twitter and noticed NYU in the top trends, which is how I learned about the power backup failure at NYU medical center and the evacuation of NICU patients. I cried a little for those parents when I read this news, because I know from our family how difficult it is for parents to have their baby in NICU, and then to be evacuated during a hurricane? God bless those nurses, doctors and EMT/firefighters who got all those patients out safely. And all those battling the terrible effects of the storm all over the region. I realized this is the first time I learned a major news story from Twitter first. I remember clearly the first news story I learned from the internet: when Princess Diana died. I was on Yahoo and read she was in an accident and when I went back to the homepage, they ha...

I like how this little snapshot defined introvert not as being unable to talk to people and be personable, but just as preferring not to do it as often as extroverts. Introvert does not mean socially inept! I've found introverts and extroverts can find a happy and comfortable balance when they both accept the other without expecting change. My good friend Tom from college was very extroverted and when I used to go visit him out of state, he'd always make sure I had time to read quietly or nap in his room during the day. He could go go go all day, but he understood I needed that quiet time if I were going to spend a lot of time with new people later. I really appreciated his gesture and later spent the time socializing with his friends as he liked to do. I don't remember telling him how I felt, he was just very intuitive and picked up on it and accommodated it. (He's a very successful drug rep now, so those skills have paid off well for him.) I've been friends wi...

"The cops are here, at the front door! You need to come inside!" "Wait---real cops, or people dressed like cops??"  They were real cops. Sometimes Halloween parties get a little nutty, yo. Also, my friends are crazy. I love them for it. Their neighbors? Not so much. (Rightly so.) "Mike! Get off the roof before you break your legs! You can't heal yourself!"  Mike, dressed as Jesus, jumped. No broken legs. It was a Halloween miracle! "Merlin! Get away from the tiki torch!" Dudes who are not used to wearing long hair or long robes need to be more careful around open flames. I haven't caught my long hair on fire in like, 15 years. It's a skill you learn. 

I liked Mindy Kaling's book, so I checked out her new show. This scene: so much yes. The girl on the far end? I've had that look on my face too, watching a man dance. It might be evolutionary, but I just assume a man who can dance well can do lots of things well. Even if I never do anything other than watch him dance (this is almost 100% the case), I still know. I've developed a near-instant crush on a guy who impresses me with his heretofore unknown moves, and lost all romantic feeling upon the discovery that we don't move well together at all . Dancing is a fun date activity because of what it tells you about the two of you together: Shy? Rhythmic? Adventurous?  In tune with each other? Is he embarrassed I would get up on the bar or Hell yes, she's leaving with me!  enthusiastic? I recognize it is not a clear-cut indicator, because I am often waaay more shy outside of dancing than I am while doing it, but it does give you some indication of your combined chem...

Soap leaves are perfect for carry-on only, compact traveling because they are dry and lightweight. I buy mine from travelerssupply.com . Pull them out with dry hands and then just get wet to use. Magic! And no pesky leaks, which is even worse than having to pull them out for the TSA. They also have shampoo but I use solid shampoo from Lush , as well as their conditioner bar . R. turned me on to these products and I love them. Great for traveling, but I also use them at home and because they don't strip your hair and scalp with lots of chemicals, my hair doesn't get oily and I don't have to wash it as much. They are more expensive upfront, but they last a long time. The Karma Komba (green one in the pic below) is my favorite.

I don't have a phone, I have a mobile computer I occasionally use to make phone calls. This screen shot is a few days into my billing cycle. (This was a month or two ago, but I can almost guarantee those 4 minutes of phone usage were me calling for take out.) Also? I hate that the majority of my phone bill is for voice minutes. I'm averaging about $3 a minute for phone calls each month. Rip off! 'Phone' is the least part of why I use this device. You might as well call this a smarttypewriter. I propose we start calling smartphones 'MComs':  mobile computers. Isn't that a better name? Let's make it happen!

German barmaids need ruffly petticoats under their dresses, so I picked this up at the local Halloween shop; I had no idea how fun it is to wear a ruffly petticoat! It's practically made for flouncing. And sitting on a handsome man's lap. I was going to post a photo while trying it on, but this is not that kind of blog. ;-) (It's sheer at the top and all.) That said, really looking forward to Halloween weekend now. And sooo saving this for future fun times.

(Click the photo to enlarge it.) I smiled pretty big when I read this man's comment about my 'tasting the sticks.' It's true, we did learn to be 'locals' in many ways, ways I didn't always notice. I never consciously made the decision to 'taste my sticks,' but I must have picked it up watching my Chinese friends do it. (As opposed to only letting the tips enter your mouth like we do here more often with chopsticks.) I still eat the Chinese way with chopsticks. My coworkers think it's gross I drink hot plain water, but I got used to it over there and found I like the taste of hot plain water better than cold. I didn't appreciate at the time how much cultural immersion can enrich your life in unnoticed ways.

These photos of the George Washington Bridge in NYC were not taken by me! But the very talented photographer generously sent them to me, along with the ok to post them. I thought about printing and framing them, but they are so unique (he was on the catwalk on top of the bridge arches for the two larger photos) and stunning, framing wasn't good enough. So I bought blank painting canvases of various sizes instead. I printed enlargements, glued them right onto the surface of the canvases with spray glue, then painted two larger canvases with gray acrylic paint. And glued them all together before hanging them on the wall. I wanted the presentation to somewhat imply the sensation of being on the bridge, hence no hiding them behind glass and allowing them a 3D effect when hung. I hung them in the hallway so they wouldn't compete with my Chinese-themed living room, and the hallway is the 'bridge' between the front and back part of my apartment anyway. Perfect! I love ...

My office does a Halloween decorating contest. Hell yes I'll use it as an excuse to look at Wolverine all day! This is my office door. However, my coworker informed me Wolverine is an X-Men, not a werewolf. He's just jealous I don't put his picture on my door! My other decorations:

(I have my sister's permission to post this.) My little sister M. (above at age 3) is often unintentionally hilarious. We eat dinner together at my mom's every Sunday and I've taken to writing down her gems. A few recent conversations: M: "I shaked his hand..." Me: "Shook."  M: "I shooken his hand..."  (Yes, I am that older sister who corrects her grammar. I try to keep that only in the family, though.) M: "I would never spend $200 on a purse...unless I had $200."  (You have to admit, that's pretty logical.) Note: M. has a foreign name that is very unusual in America; online it is usually spelled with the Cyrillic, not Roman, alphabet. M: "I googled my name. My Pinterest came up and then a bunch of dogs with my name and that's it."  M: "Did I tell you Ice-T's son was following me on Instagram? Only for like an hour, but still."  (My sister lives in a world where she not only know...

This guy, the one I tell myself sternly is not attractive, passes behind me as I'm carrying a cup of tea.  "Hey, the tag of your sweater is sticking out." I pause as his arm reaches out toward me, hishand sweeping my ponytailed hair away from my neck in an attempt to reach the tag. I'm usually standoffish about who I let touch my hair, but I keep still, steadying my tea cup. My hair is heavier than he anticipates and as it falls back into place, he sweeps it away again. And again. A brush of his hand finally, firmly, secures my hair against my neck, sending prickles along my spine. as his other hand rearranges my tag and sweater, I involuntarily, deeply, embarrassingly, shiver against the sliding of his fingers. I can't see his face so I don't know if he's noticed, but the crimson creeps across my chest and collarbone anyway. "There you go. All better now." A quick pat on the back over the now-secure tag. "Thanks." I keep walking, never...

Little Red Riding Hood? Annie from Community  dressed as Little Red Riding Hood for Halloween? (I do have a red hooded cape as well.) Or German Beer Girl? (I guess for the latter I'd have to drop the neckline a little for the sake of authenticity.) Carrying a little basket is much easier than carrying mugs! But I already have an authentic mug my dad brought back from Germany. Either way, white tall socks and red Mary Janes to complete the outfit, of course. Halloween is tough, y'all. (And a pleasant distraction.)

Nice try, Newport. I'm still not going to smoke your cigarettes.

Recently I was talking with a friend about making decisions based on reality vs. fantasy (fantasy meaning the way you hope or think things should be). I think it is better to make decisions based on reality. Sometimes that means opening yourself up and being vulnerable to another person, which might lead to hurt. Sometimes it means confronting a reality that isn't what you wanted, which can hurt too. But avoiding hurt by avoiding reality leads to way more problems than honesty and confronting reality, in my opinion. It's always better to know where things really stand. The key is to let people be who they are without judging. When there is no judgment, you can make decisions based on reality without resentment. This applies to everyone: family, friends, romantic interludes and co-workers. Treat people and make decisions based on reality and you will negate a lot of unnecessary stress. I credit learning to meditate and ponder quietly for helping me learn to see and ...

It's not New England, but still beautiful I think. I like the contrast with the evergreens.

My first trip to all of these places! My dates are set! Which I will not be announcing here so no one robs me! But now the fun begins: researching maps and train schedules and planning things so I can throw them out the window and do whatever once I actually get there. I'll be flying to London and out of Prague, with planes and trains between. I'll meet up with family in Berlin a week in. I was almost born in Germany and my parents' elderly German neighbor knitted this very cute little baby outfit for me because it was February and I needed a newborn-sized sweater and hat. Is it cute or what? My parents saved it for me; I need to shadow box it or something. Only packing my Osprey 46 travel backpack . It will be my longest trip yet with it, hope it works out. I'm really looking forward to this trip!

A friend's birthday party cupcakes this weekend. I ate the studded banana hammock. I like studs!

A sentence in the book Mindfulness In Plain English : "...from a pragmatic perspective, it is much better to cultivate the noble thought, 'May all beings be happy-minded' than the thought, 'I hate him.'" And have you ever read something so clear that you feel stupid you never chose those words before to express a thought? Because how clear is that sentence? It is better to wish people well than to hate them. Better not for them, better for YOU. I posted a few days ago about writing a humor-based type of guide to what can happen when you choose to be honest about your feelings. It was to make fun of myself, not someone else, but it was still choosing to focus on something that was hurtful to me, even if to make light of it. (A coping mechanism?) But now I think, 'How is focusing on something hurtful helping me help other people? Can I be a person who treats others with loving friendliness if I'm always thinking about how one person caused some hur...

So I've been trying to think of a way to write about that thing where you realize a guy friend you have feelings for more than friends and you decide to be upfront and tell them... and yeah. Life isn't a movie. But I haven't known how to write about this without sounding sad. Sad is lame, right? But I was writing a branching activity today in Captivate and I thought, why can't blog entries be interactive? How come I don't try that out? I'm going to try that out. The world's very first "That Dude Doesn't Feel The Same: The Choose Your Own Adventure" adventure. Based on a true story(ies)!

I haven't spoken much about the health issues I've had from getting dysentery and giardia while in China. The Peace Corps doctor told me giardia can be recurring and there is nothing you can do about it, and I heard this from other sources too, so I've lived with the flare-ups, discomfort and bloating since then. (I hide my stomach as much as possible and joked I brought home parasites as a special souvenir.) My awesome nurse practitioner told me that didn't sound right based on her work with refugees when she was in Brooklyn and sent me to a referral-only, awesome Infectious Diseases specialist. There aren't a lot of these specialists in my area due to the low demand so I had to wait over 2 months to see her but she gave me the great news that yes, it can be treated and after one or more rounds of treatment I can expect to be protozoan free! (She told me they are referred to as protozoans, not parasites. Protozoans sounds so much nicer, I think.) She also told ...

First: New York: A Documentary Film , by Ric Burns (brother of Ken Burns), an interesting, engaging and entertaining 8-part documentary series on the history of the city of New York. Originally aired on PBS but I'm watching it on Amazon Prime on my iPad. It's long, over 14 hours, but I've learned a lot, and learned a lot more respect for, how NYC became what it is and why it is so wonderful. The documentary How the Universe Works from Discovery Channel: awesome. Makes me feel like life is a miracle and a blessing and I'm lucky to be a part of the human race. And then I go jeans shopping and I get all bummed out because of the size of jeans that fit me really well and look good. Really, Rebecca? This is what you feel bad about? Get a grip. But...gosh, don't we want to feel attractive? And I flashback to this time I was with this guy and I had made the effort to look attractive and he said, "You look really comfortable" and part of me thinks, ...

I don't know if I'm too old to wear flowers in my hair, but I did. Seemed cheery.

This is a great response. I think I'm going to start using that line, just to see what reaction I get. The whole blog is gold.

...dwell on good things, not crappy things. I feel really crappy these days! But it helps to consciously observe my life isn't 100% crappy. I had a conversation with a friend about things we like, even if maybe we shouldn't, such as: My pale pink (fake) jade (glass) bracelet from China squeezes the hell out of my hand, to the extent I can't get it off without lube. Chinese girls be having tiny hands, yo! I whacked it against something today and it cracked and chipped but didn't break, and I was worried the jagged chip would cut me if I tried to squeeze it off. So this was my solution: Me: "Ok, weird question, but do you have pliers or something I can use to pry this bracelet apart?" [explanation about glass, smallness, lube, cutting.] Him: "Why are you wearing a bracelet that's too small for you?" Ummm because it's pink and cute and matches my outfit perfectly, of course. Duh. I explain this. He thinks this is a dumb reason. (He mi...

There needs to be new words for our new social construct needs, such as the people you would block from reading what you write. If 'schadenfreude' gets to be a word, surely we could come up with something? (I recently learned 'sauter' is free.) Also, how about the technology to go along with it? Whatever that word is, I need to use it so many times. I'm tongue-tied. For now.

What I learned about physics: sometimes, when you rearrange a whole lot of books and don't pay attention to putting the heavier ones on the top, this happens in your bedroom**: BEFORE AFTER AFTER AFTER My dad's personalized Army beer stein from when he was stationed in Germany, complete with his Battalion and Unit motto and insignia, that I left sitting on top of the bookcase, and which hit the wall when it fell. My dad left it to me when he died and throwing it out is not an option, so I called a pottery shop and got a recommendation for a glue called Bond 527 that I HIGHLY recommend if you are gluing glass or ceramic; it's thin and sets very fast. A friend is going to solder*** the little man back onto the lid for me. I've been piecing it back together and I'm finally down to the bottom part, which used to have the silhouette of a naked lady blown into the glass and when you held the stein up to the light, you could see the naked lady. I g...

I don't think we're meant to live without heartache. What kind of literature, art, poetry and music would we have if we never felt bad? I missed Cool Girl 101 class, where you learn to get involved with people you don't get attached to, not care what their response is when you say how you really feel, forget in an instant everything about someone you cared about, and always say and do the 'cool' and 'right' thing. What was I doing instead? Probably a Lit class. I'm not a cool girl at all. (Side-story) Saving the hardest moving task for last: getting rid of a large percentage of my library. Turns out I'm not only really attached to my books, I'm attached to the identity they formed for me. I'm not giving away paper, I'm giving away my sense of self . I've felt pangs of anxiety just sorting the books for donation, nevermind a single sheet of paper hasn't left my house. But the anxiety means I MUST do it. It's not healthy to...

One thing I miss about living in Asia is their embrace of the ridiculous with a sincerity lacking in Western culture. I mean, we gotta be cool and ironic and sarcastic, maybe even *shhhh* hip, but in Asia, they have a whole different set of criteria. Kitty cat culture? Oh yeah. Rhinestones? Hell yes! Bright colors, flair, ridiculous behavior? Check, check, check. It is glorious and liberating and I miss being able to look ridiculous because A: everyone is going to stare at you anyway, might as well give them something to look at and B: it is awesome. Examples below.  I love these videos, unironically; they have a sense of the fun I found in unexpected places. p.s. Toward the end, the scene with the blue pillars? Subway station. NYC, I say this with the utmost love, get it together!

As I always say, two things about chemistry suck: you can't turn it on, and you can't turn it off. I'd like to think this is the reason I can be so attracted to a man it is not logical for me to be attracted to. One in particular, for reasons I don't want to get into here, we're never going to date or anything like that. It sucks, because how often do you really meet people you have great chemistry with? We are all wrong logically, but some part of my DNA is like, "Screw all those logical reasons, this is a good idea!" Despite the logic, I'm still super-attracted to him. I'm trying to tamp it down. It's hard. (It's not Jake Gyllenhaal, but he has blue eyes, so this pic is my stand-in.) I enjoy reading social science and real-science-light, and an interesting concept is that a lot of what determines attraction and chemistry is DNA compatibility; that is, your DNA desires to combine with someone else's DNA in a way that optimizes t...

You guys, this book is bad. Really bad. MST3K bad. (Oh, if only there were a movie of someone reading this book out loud and Joel, Crow and Tom Servo mocking it! That would be 100x more entertaining than this book!) But back to the book... Here are my issues with it so far, in order of offensiveness: 1. "I have made an effort and worn my one and only skirt, my sensible brown knee-length boots, and a blue sweater. For me, this is smart." And then later in the chapter she sees some art on the wall and says, "They're lovely. Raising the ordinary to extraordinary." No. Someone who knows she is dowdy and does nothing to change that does not say things like 'Raising the ordinary to extraordinary' to describe visual art. All the characterization so far is like this: it just doesn't make good sense. 2. On page 10, the words 'steel' and 'Steele' appear six times. Why on earth would you give your lead character the last name 'Steele...

Big Cottonwood Canyon, 3 miles from my front door. At a trail head. I don't remember if other places are like this, but I find it charming you can buy firewood at convenience stores and grocery stores in Salt Lake, just like you buy a bag of ice. Campfire evenings are very popular here.

Pretty sure this scene is hotter than an entire "romance" book. Call me unromantic, but a lot of what passes for romance in popular culture is bullsh*t. Just give me a sweet, clothed shower with Daniel Craig. It's enough.

Oh man, Black Celebration , I loved this album back in the day. I looked it up today on Spotify, it really holds up! Probably the most famous song on this album is Stripped , due to the movie Say Anything , but the whole album is just moody, dark and sexy. I always thought It Doesn't Matter Two  was a brutally honest, brilliantly background-composed song. I mean, just listen. Yes, absolutely. That moment when you realize what's really going on. That throbbing synth and rhythm. Just an astounding song. I also love Here Is The House* and But Not Tonight . I remember driving my convertible around at night in the 90's,  But Not Tonight blaring. Brings back so many memories, can't believe it's *gulp* 26 years old! (BRB, gone to cry a little.) If you haven't heard It Doesn't Matter Two , here you go. *"With or without words, I'll confide everything." Still gets me every time.

The only thing I want to do tonight is jump on the qinggui (metro), texting V. which train/car I'm in so he can jump on at his stop in the same car, meet up with the other Chongqingren (other Peace Corps friends) at the Cotton Club beer garden, then head over to Club 88, dance on the bar to this song and many others, stumble out at 2 AM into the humid Chonqqing river mist, eat shao kao (street barbecue) with T. on tiny stools, laughing really hard, then go back inside, kiss all the Chongqingren goodbye (puzzling the non-kissing Chinese), share a cab home with V., wake up with the birds, catch the 421 outside the back gate to go home, wait for T. to show up at my apartment, then go for noon coffee and snacks at XingBaKe (Starbucks). Is that so wrong? My lifestyle has really changed in America. I really do like this song.  I bet it's a hit at 88.

My gut reaction is to cut off and ignore people who make me sad, and this is how I sometimes handled things in the past. And now I know: this is no way to deal with sadness or treat another human being. I want to go back and say I'm sorry to the people I did this to. I was wrong. Thinking and writing about sadness (which sadness I realize is the result of my own expectations) I've realized: if I remove my ego from this situation, there is no sadness. Because it is my ego that is sad, not me. I keep going back to my dad's advice: Happiness is largely a matter of managing your own expectations. What he was also saying: remove your ego, and there is no reason to not be happy. I'm kind of a dirtbag sometimes, because I mistakenly think I understand other people's motivations. But actually I don't know whether I understand or not, I'm just guessing based on my own biases. Thinking I understand? Ego. (If you act like you like me or are attracted to me, I be...

I'm starting to get rid of things in my apartment to make it easier when I move and open up the space. I gave away my sofa and now have a chair, ottoman and floor cushions. I pretty much had all this stuff, I just repurposed it from other rooms. I attached battery operated moon lights underneath the coffee table for a warm ambient glow at night. In the future, I'll replace that chair with something more round and less beige. Now if I could get rid of my stove/oven and get a half size fridge! I miss the stark functionality of my apartment kitchen in China. A couple of times, I cooked for 20+ in an apartment with no stove, oven, dishwasher, disposal, dining room table or full size fridge. So much of what we consider necessary, isn't.

I've been feeling very sad about how things have turned out with a friend. These things happen. And I'll get over it. But for right now, I am sad. I'm saying it out loud because there is nothing else I have to say publicly for the time being. Hindsight isn't 20/20. It's a magnifying glass. And magnifying things hurts.

The embroidery on this dress caught my eye, as well as the soft mint color, very popular this year. As you can see it is cut a bit low, so I cover up with a small lightweight, short-sleeve sweater for the office, etc. The skirt has a built in peplum underneath, so it has a very retro bell shape; I feel like I work at Sterling Cooper when I wear it. I recommend it, a very fun dress to wear. Macy's dress